Adventures of Pretty, Wait That's Not Right
by JC Maxwell-Yuy
Summary: Kendall Knight is Slapshot. James Diamond is Bandana Man. Spoof of something Guardian Sailor... you know, that. Kames... if you squint. Who are we kidding? One shot. No sailor fuku though. #sadface


OK... so I don't know what I was on when writing this. I'm going through the Sailor Moon withdrawls, hence the spoof. Yeah.. it might not make sense after a while, but anyways, I don't own anything. I really don't. Just decided to write and... yeah, this came out. Enjoy. Or don't.

I still ship Kames. Still have the feelings.

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><p>Hi, my name's Kendall Knight, your typical, average, hockey playing teenager. One day a talking pig named Yuma gave me a mysterious hockey puck that transforms me into a superhero. You know me as Slapshot, warrior of the ice. I'm pretty new to the superhero gig, and these monsters I'm fighting are gross and weird but... I'm sure this story will wrap up nicely!<p>

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><p>Sunlight streamed through window, hitting Kendall in the face. The smart phone on the dresser beeped incessantly, the blonde reaching out from under the covers to silence the alarm for the 4th time that morning.<p>

"Kendall!" Jennifer Knight yelled from the kitchen. "You're going to be late for school again!"

"Urgh... " Kendall cracked open one eye, glanced as the clock on his phone and groaned. He was going to be late for school, as usual. The covers flew off and pajamas landed in a pile on the floor as the blonde started digging for something to wear in his closet, throwing clothes around and burying Yuma in the process. Kendall groaned, holding two socks that didn't match. He would have been awake on time, if he hadn't been up late saving his friend Lucy Stone from being strangled by that evil monster impersonating her mother. That, and sneaking back home without being heard made it a long night with little sleep.

"Sweetie, your breakfast!" His mother yelled through the door. "Katie's ready to go! You are not making your sister late!"

"I'm coming, mom!" Kendall hollered back, throwing on a shirt and jeans and stumbling out of his room and down the stairs into the kitchen. Stifling a yawn, he winced as he hit the bottom step, the bruises he'd gotten in the fight tingling as he dashed into the kitchen, grabbing a waffle off the plate his mother offered him and kissing her on the cheek before picking up his book bag and headed for the door.

"You forgot me, you doofus!" His little sister called after him.

"Right. I knew that." Kendall muttered, stopping and waiting for his sister to climb into his car before he started the engine.

"So, what were you doing last night big brother?" Katie questioned once the house was out of sight.

"Nothing. Just... you know... sleeping." Kendall tried to hide another yawn, but it didn't go unnoticed by his sharp as nails sister.

"Right, and I'm the queen of England." Katie sneered. "I'm not stupid you know. I know you snuck out."

"What do you want?" Kendall groaned.

"In exchange for not telling mom you broke curfew, I want to go to the mall after school and you have to buy me ice cream from that new place." Katie said. "A whole sundae, not a kiddie cup."

"Mom is going to kill me if I let you eat that." Kendall protested.

"Not as bad as the grounding you're going to get when she finds out you were gone till 3 in the morning." His little sister sang. "You know I'm right big brother."

"Darn it!" Kendall cursed. Katie's age and looks were quite deceiving. Her cute, adorable exterior hid quite the extortionist. "Fine."

"Great." Katie said. "Love you!"

"Uh huh." Kendall muttered as he pulled into a parking space and Katie hopped out.

"See you after school!" With a wave, she was gone. Kendall let out another yawn as the bell rang. Dang, made it to the parking lot, still probably going to be late for homeroom.

Yup. Late as usual. Kendall slumped over his desk, wishing he could go back to sleep. From the little sleep he did get, he knew he'd dreamed about the mysterious figure in purple bandanas. That voice... those hazel eyes beneath the mask...

"Kendall? Are you listening to me?" A smack to the back of his head woke him back up.

"Uh what?" Kendall looked back up at his friends, Lucy Stone and Camille Roberts.

"I was just telling Camille how I was attacked by some monster and then this really... weird hockey themed superhero saved me." Lucy said flatly.

"Was he cute?" Camille asked, eyes flashing with interest.

"I guess." Lucy pondered for a moment. "He had a mask on, but he clearly had super eyebrows... bushier than yours Kendall."

"Uh... thanks?" Kendall grunted, touching his brow gingerly.

"As your best friend, you really need to oh crap... " Lucy groaned as their teacher, Miss Collins suddenly appeared behind them.

"As your teacher, you all should study a little harder." Their teacher said flatly, handing them back their standardized tests. "For those of you who scored a 90 percent or higher, you may have a chance at a fabulous prize! Please see the ranking poster outside during breaks to see if you qualified."

"Ugh... a 86." Camille sighed. "It's passing. What did you guys get?"

"79." Lucy muttered, crumpling her test paper up.

"82." Kendall groaned. "Well, it's not like the reward was anything too amazing."

"I heard that first place prize was exemption from one final exam of your choice." Camille said as they exited homeroom.

"So who got first place anyway?" Kendall asked.

"Oh, that guy over there." Lucy pointed to a lone nerd in a sweater vest reading a book in the school quad. "His name's Logan Mitchell."

"He's so dreamy..." Camille sighed. "I heard he has an IQ of 300."

"Well yeah, he better since he goes to that brain farm cram school at the mall." Lucy sneered.

"Shhh! He'll hear you!" Camille hissed as Logan's eyes flashed in their direction.

"Guys, move. Move!" Kendall said, awkwardly pushing the two girls further down the hall and out of Logan's line of sight and earshot.

"You don't have to call it a brain farm." Camille glared at Lucy. "That place really seems to help get people's grades up when they attend."

"Yeah. As if I'd spend my afternoons studying more when I could be working on my rock star career." Lucy scoffed. "I just need to pass. Then I'm outta this dump."

"I feel kind of bad for Logan." Kendall sighed. "It looks like he doesn't have many friends."

"I know..." Camille gushed. "We should do something about it."

"Look at you girl. Trying to get you claws into a nerd." Lucy teased.

"He's a very cute one." Camille sighed before following her friends towards their next class.

After school, Kendall waited outside by his car for Katie. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Logan, struggling with a heavy backpack walking through the parking lot towards the road. The next thing Kendall knew, Yuma appeared out of nowhere and jumped off one of the car hoods and tackled Logan to the ground. Logan gave out a loud yelp as his bag broke open and books fell everywhere.

"Hey, hey! Are you OK?!" Kendall called as he ran over.

"What just hit me?" Logan groaned, struggling to get up.

"Uh... that's a my bad. I mean, my pet's fault. Bad Yuma!" Kendall scolded the small pig, who gave him a reproachful look as the blonde helped Logan up.

"That's not a pig. That's Satan." Logan glared at Yuma, stuffing another book into his bag. "I'm gonna be late now."

"Wait, you go to that cram school at the mall right? It's only a 5 minute drive." Kendall said.

"Well, it's a half hour walk for me." Logan muttered.

"I can give you a lift." Kendall offered, holding the squirming pig under an arm, gesturing to his car with the other. "It's the least I can do."

"I guess so... um..." Logan said hesitantly.

"Kendall. You're Logan right?" Kendall grinned, holding out his free hand.

"Uh yeah." Logan said, shaking the blonde's hand.

"Hey big brother. Who's the nerd?" Katie popped up next to Kendall.

"Katie! Let's not be rude." Kendall scolded.

"Right..." Katie smirked, throwing her bag into the front passenger seat. "Now let's go big brother. Chop chop."

"What's that all about?" Logan as he got in the car.

Kendall snorted, rolling his eyes. "You don't want to know."

It took Kendall about 8 minutes to get to the mall and find parking, Katie dragging the two boys to the ice cream stand near the arcade, Yuma tagging along behind them. Kendall begrudgingly bought his sister a triple hot fudge sundae and a soda, glaring at her the whole time while Logan watched the siblings in amusement. The younger Knight then dragged the boys and pig into the arcade to play games. Since Logan's cram school didn't start for another 20 minutes, Kendall invited the shorter boy to hang out and play a couple games.

"Here. It's this new game that just came out in Japan." Katie gushed as she stood in front of the Bio Blast 4 machine. "It's so incredibly violent, you had to sign a waiver to play this overseas!"

"You want to play with us?" Kendall offered. "It'll be fun."

"I don't... usually do this sort of thing." Logan stammered, unable to protest further as Katie pushed the gun controller into his hands.

"We could always use a third person." Kendall said, and the game started. Logan glanced at the instructions printed on the machine, absorbing the information as Kendall and Katie took aim and started shooting targets. Logan turned his gaze back to the screen and began destroying targets. The game wore on, and the Knight siblings began to notice that Logan's score had eventually become triple the value of theirs combined.

"Uh..." Katie's jaw dropped, her attention on Logan as her character lost its last life.

"Hey guys, what's going on?" Dak Zevon, one of the arcade workers walked over, eyes widening as he took in the game screen. Logan score was climbing higher and higher.

"Wow." Kendall's jaw dropped.

"He's blown every high score out of the water." Dak exclaimed. "Who is this kid?"

Suddenly, the game beeped and a slot on the side of the machine opened, ejecting a pen with a little stethoscope wrapped around it.

"What's this?" Logan picked it up, turning it over. "Some kind of prize?"

"Wow. I want one too!" Katie squealed, shoving another coin into the machine.

At that, Logan glanced at the time and put the controller down. "I gotta go. Cram school's gonna start. Thanks Kendall, Katie!"

"Uh..." Kendall stared after Logan, who disappeared out the arcade doors in a flash.

'Huh. I had no idea this game gave out prizes." Dak said absentmindedly. "Weird."

"Yeah. Weird." Kendall said, glancing at Yuma. "Dak, can you watch Katie for a sec. I gotta go to the bathroom."

Kendall exited the arcade and headed to the bathroom that was next to the cram school Logan went to. Outside the school was a guy dressed in a bear suit handing out flyers. Kendall did his best to avoid the bear before entering the bathroom but was not so lucky after he left. The bear cornered him, shoved a flyer down his pants before going back to his beary business and harassing people outside the Pear Store. The blonde pulled the flyer out of his pants and skimmed it.

'You can be a genius too! Achieve success with the latest in learning technology...' Kendall read, noticing a picture of Logan was on the flyer as well. 'Weird school, and their advertising team is way too pushy.'

"Maybe you should try it out. Improving your grades can't hurt." Yuma said, pawing at Kendall's foot.

"No way. I have hockey season coming up." Crumpling up the paper, Kendall aimed it at the trashcan and tossed, only to have it hit someone in the face.

"Hey Blondie, I'm not a trashcan." An annoyed voice said.

"You!" Kendall glared at the tall brunette, dressed in a black wife beater and purple sweatpants.

"I have a name Blondie. It's James. James Diamond." The brunette said, returning the glare. "Did that pig just talk?"

"Eh?" Kendall froze. The last thing he needed was this haughty busybody in his life. Even if he did look good in those form fitting workout clothes and those gorgeous brown eyes.

"Oh no look at the time! I have to go!" Kendall said loudly, scooping up Yuma and bolting back towards the arcade for Katie.

"Littering is bad for the environment Blondie!" James called after him, waving the paper in one hand.

When he got back to the arcade, Katie was still pounding away at the game, trying to beat Logan's score in hopes of getting a prize.

"Hey big brother, help me out! I gotta get a prize!" Katie groaned as she lost her last game life.

"Sorry baby sister, I'm all out." Kendall said.

"By the way, Logan dropped this." Katie said, holding out a flash drive.

"Must have his homework on it. I'll be right back Katie." Kendall said, taking the drive and walking back out of the arcade towards the cram school. When he got there, the bear suit guy was gone, and the school appeared to be closed. The barrier was down and the lights were dimmed.

"Kendall!" Yuma squeaked. "There's something very wrong here!"

"Those students are still in there." Kendall said.

"Transform into Slapshot!" Yuma commanded.

"What? And wear that embarrassing hockey uniform?" Kendall groaned, reaching into his pocket for the puck, face red as he slipped into the mall bathroom to transform.

Seconds later, Slapshot emerged from the bathroom and used his hockey stick to break the barrier down revealing Logan and a bunch of other students lying unconscious on the floor. Bear suit was also there, evilly cackling in front of a computer.

"Hey Bear!" Slapshot said. "Your evil ways are done! I, Slapshot, have come to save... all these people and... uh, put you out of business!"

Bear suit said nothing, cocked it's furry head in confusion before charging Slapshot.

"Wait?! What?" Kendall yelled, dodging. "Are you kidding me? No explanation of an evil plan? No banter? Who's writing this thing?"

The Bear suit ran itself into the wall, getting it's head stuck in the plaster.

"Great. Remind me to fire the writer." Slapshot muttered, kneeling besides Logan. "Logan, Logan can you hear me?"

"Toast... more butter..." Logan mumbled, his eyes slowly opening. "Cheese!"

"What?" Slapshot blinked... and was soon stuck in the middle of a cheese wheel and glaring at the now dancing bear suit. "Oh, come on! What does this have to do with anything?"

"Come on Logan. That stethoscope you won from the game! Use it!" Yuma jumped on Logan's chest.

"Ah! The Satan Pig!" Logan screamed.

"Uh, a little help here?!" Slapshot yelled, finding it very hard to move, yet was easily avoiding the bear suit, which had taken to charging him on a segway. "That's not very... oh never mind."

Suddenly, a dense fog began filling the room. Slapshot froze, unable to see in front of him. From out of nowhere, the bear suit' segway came flying at him, but a rope of purple bandannas caught Slapshot and pulled him out of the way just in the nick of time.

"Careful." Strong hands caught him and Slapshot felt his face flush, inhaling the slight hint of Cuda manspray.

"Bandana Man!" He whispered as the masked superhero winked before vanishing into the haze.

"You can do this Slapshot." Bandana Man's voice echoed.

"Could he be any more vague... and pretty?" Slapshot wondered, pulling out his hockey stick, which conveniently knocked bear suit onto the floor. The mist began clearing and Slapshot saw that Logan was gone. In his place was another masked hero that was dressed like a doctor about to go into surgery.

"I'm the Surgeon!" The masked man said as the bear started to get up. "Not so fast! Time for your meds!"

Slapshot blinked at the sight before him. The Surgeon was shoving a giant hypodermic needle into the bear's behind.

"Please don't make an operation joke." Slapshot begged.

"Oh, you know I will, it's..." The Surgeon said.

The End

Wait... are you kidding me? Seriously? How the 'eff does this even? There wasn't even a punchline!

Hello?

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><p>Yep...<p>

I guess that just happened.


End file.
